Girls are so silly. We wash. We exfoliate. We shave. We shampoo. We condition. We dry. We suck in. We deodorize. We moisturize. We spritz. And that's just in the morning.
We spend money on dyeing our hair. And we frequent the "beauty" counters. We pay someone to push out our pimples.
And quite honestly I think that is all well and good. Whatever makes you feel fabulous, do it.
This year, I promised myself I would take better care of face and skin. Less make up, more moisturizer and exfoliant type products. (Side note - look in a French woman's bathroom. She hardly has any make up but tons of what I like to call "take care of me" products, like moisturizers, toners, eye creams, etc).
So while pondering how I was going to treat myself before my vacation to Orlando this week, I went back and forth between a bikini wax and a facial. Considering I can't afford to have a facial every month like you are supposed to, this should have been the obvious choice given my promise to myself. But the idea of not shaving during bikini clad weather was very exciting as well. I decided to go with the latter.
I had never gotten a bikini wax before so I called the spa to find out the differences between all the kinds they offered. (I decided since someone was going to indeed see my va la la, asking brainless questions over the phone was one of the least embarrassing parts of the experience.)
The conversation went something like this:
Me: Hi I would like to make an appointment for a [slight pause and decrease in volume] bikini wax.
Day and time are exchanged.
Me: So what exactly is the difference between the regular bikini wax and the French bikini wax?
Woman on Phone: A bikini wax is right at the bikini line and the French wax is two fingers in.
Ok two fingers in didn't sound that bad. I measured it in my head. The Brazilian question could be held for another day.
Me: Sign me up for the French bikini.
Sunday, I went in for my appointment. They took me into a nice room with soothing music and asked me to take off my pants [Insert that's what she said joke] and put on a disposable thong. I am not really sure why they ask you to wear the thong since you can see everything underneath but I guess that it is just to make the waxee feel more comfortable.
She explained the different types of waxes she would be using and started to make small talk. Funny enough, it felt quite natural having her tell me how to spread my legs and pour hot liquid on my hoohah while I talked about where I was from. I guess that means she is good at her job.
The hair removal at the beginning was not that bad. She just waxed where my semi-tanned skin meets my never-seen-the-light-of-day skin. I found out she had gone to my high school but graduated ten years before me. We talked about how she ended up in Salisbury and how I met my boyfriend.
Then she told me she was going to switch to the hard wax for the thicker hair. She said that most people preferred the hard wax. All I could think was wow, this is going to get easier? This is awesome!
"Did you like that better?" She asked.
OH Jesus FUCKKKK!
"Yea that wasn't too terrible."
This went on for an excruciating forty-five minutes. And when the lady over the phone said two fingers in she lied. She really meant only a little tuff of hair would be left which ideally I would have wanted but while laying there getting my vajay jay hair ripped out, I really didn't. Two fingers in meant I had to fight back tears for forty-five minutes.
I got home and my boyfriend jumped up from his seat.
Him: Let me see it.
Me: No you really don't want to see it. It is all red and bumpy. And my va la la is not her for your entertainment. [Insert other thats what she said joke].
Him: Come on, let me see.
All he could get out was that noise people make when they pass a really horrible looking car crash.
I spent yesterday afternoon and evening walking around the house with absolutely nothing on down below which was kind of chilly for a day in October. Luckily, I will be in Orlando soon. I should have gotten the facial.